My Queen

Those are difficult times for me. How about you? Lonely I feel deserted by your grace. Without expressed feeling of love, everything disconnects. Even in myself, it seems.

I know I had not been and irreproachable knight. But nonetheless and with some important mistakes, I managed to keep my faith in you, to my love directed toward you and to your wisdom. I think we should not continue to refrain from sweet exchange.

I love life so much! But I love you even more. Is this sickness? Are you volunteer to cure me? You think, maybe, that I made a bundle of all my frustrations, longing, desires, weaknesses and so on, and projected all this on you. That I barely know true you, like using you just as a convenient shape or screen for reflecting my need.

But I think this is not so. Sure you managed to remain very mysterious, but still somewhere I feel like I know you inside very well. Please remember that in another season we were in almost continuous spontaneous contact, almost every day! I can feel some part of your being as if I could touch you! You made many other parts to remain in the dark.

Still I can guess some because you are wholesome being, relatively harmonious even with many problems and after harsh experience and I know mainly what difficult and sometimes horrible path by which you went through. So you are not for me an indifferent screen for all projections, whichever sickness you may think I have in store.

So strong contact I felt we had that you became quickly for me the difference in itself. I know you have the power to decide of my fate. And I submit to your judgment. I know with some confidence that in the end, and despite some odd mood, moves and reactions, in the end you will be right and act accordingly.

I keep confidence in your wisdom. In a way or another, I feel like in the end everything will be fine. Maybe not sleeping in the same bed and making lot of love, we will be happy, each of us, maybe separately... But I feel also I can help you to be happy. Because maybe I "represent" or concentrate the opposite trend, the difference you are missing.

But now I need a positive sign. You've been so elusive that in need for an answer I went so far as to provoke with inconsiderate expression of anger and despair. Because all doors I opened you managed to close. Protecting yourself against establishing what you thought being bad habits, you evaded virtually all the places and time we would be in connection, the two of us, closely related.

For example, last Saturday, I chose my future brand new apartment. It is #711 and I will give you, if you wish, complete address as soon as I am aware of it, the building is not finished yet. I see you do not seem to find useful to let me know your new address.

Well, I tried to cultivate complete openness with you, and in that direction maybe I got too far. In a very different set of circumstances you chose differently and remained very discrete as to disclose some important details.

In seeking understanding, more than approval, complete transparency is difficult task. A luxury, maybe, that one cannot easily afford. I have been probably too relax at that, not observing etiquette and gradual approach before going to extreme. Genuineness and openness can be pushed to extreme, thus creating disgust and even rejection.

Alas, this is done and I still try to cope with ensuing situation. I often cry, and not only sigh. But maybe I still talk too much. How to know the feelings in your heart if you would not care to express or communicate to me? We were so happy sometimes, and not so long ago... but you were always in difficult circumstances and did not felt free to discuss with me openly.

I miss very much closer contact with you. Maybe you can give it some time and care to express some suggestion in how we could still improve our relationship.

your devoted knight
Jacques